Why am I doing this to myself?


Its 10 o’clock at night, and I am eating a thousand pounds of chocolate, and fully invested in the idea that I will most likely gain a lot of weight. A giant chocolate bunny that my husband gave me for Easter, and promised I would eat it in moderation, which up until this point I did really well. I only ate the bunny butt. I guess my apology will go something like “Um…. yeah babe, I’m sorry I broke the promise but PMS made me do it.”

Truth be told, I am stress eating. My body doesn’t know what to do with bed-rest. I am used to 20,000 steps or more on my fitbit a day, with a rather low quantity of calorie consumption. Sitting makes me eat, which leads me to the conclusion that my ass is hungry. So rather than be a giant grump, I am shoving food in my face to prevent my mouth from cashing checks my soon to be large backside won’t be able to handle.

“Therefore I tell you:Don’t worry about your life, what you will eat, or what you will drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Isn’t life more than food and the body more than clothing?” Matthew 6:25

Crap. I found my Bible, and right there in Matthew is pretty much what my husband has been telling me for the last 3 days. Damn it.

I hate when he is right, but I hate it even more when I feel totally ganged up on by both my husband and God. How can you even fight that? On the flip side, how do I stop the brain from worrying? 

Money is the root of all evils and I am sitting here worried about money, rather than doing what my husband AND GOD say to do and just trust that everything is going to be alright. Here is my issue. I want to believe that. I want to believe that God cares about me and my well-being as much as he does the birds, bees, plants and trees, but then I think about the homeless sleeping under the bridge and standing on the corner begging for food.

I am not questioning the Lords ways, I  struggle to trust  because we have some serious issues going on in 3rd world countries. Hell, we have serious issues here in America where the only meal some kids eat is at school.  I’m sure it has to do with sinful nature bla, bla, bla. God is God and things get complicated when I travel this route of worry because at the end of the story, kids shouldn’t die…… Like ever.  My faith hasn’t been unraveling due to questions, but rather I have been unplugged. I refuse to follow a path of faith without asking challenging questions and choosing to follow through a blind faith of don’t ask, just believe.  I love Jesus, but when life is wonky and I search for answers, I find myself down some oddball rabbit hole asking more questions and feeling lots of feels, because I don’t find the answers I want.

Enough rambling for the night. I’m going to go do some yoga, pray and do some meditation or something.  I need to open my Bible in search of understanding.

-Rambling Ceejay



  1. Tammy says:

    Girl I know it’s hard your going through a lot in your life at this time Praying for you all. I promise you keep your heart with God. This storm will blow over and you will be better then ever before. Love you


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