Dear God- W.T.F just happened?

One thing I have always been told by Christians, is the closer you get to God, the more spiritual warfare you encounter because Satan tries to bring you down. I’m not sure if that is true or not. My life has been spiritually derailed for a few months as this point, so….. Frankly, life was going fabulous until some health shit, and we’re like W.T.F just happened?

And here we stand. Still wondering as my world collapses around me. I have hemiparisis and no solid answer as to why. We keep searching for why, and in the process we are treating it like a stroke. I can’t walk far, so thank God a family member loaned me a wheelchair. I’ve “hugged” the floor more in the last month than I did learning to walk. I’m sure of it. I wish I could make falling look graceful so my ego didn’t get so bruised.

My faith is shaking.

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Hell, my faith is buried between my worries and burdens. I feel abandoned by God. Relationships are a two-way street and I guess I abandoned him too.  People say leave it at the cross and trust him, but I can’t seem to find my way back to the cross. I’m angry and bitter because he won’t wave his hand and make everything better, which what makes me special enough to thing that my life, my problems really matter in this world filled with people hurting far worse than we are…… among other things.

This is the unraveling of me. I am confused, lost, frustrated and most certainly in a dark place emotionally. I feel crazy. How do you come back from something, when you don’t even know what IT is? When you can put a name to it, you can tackle it head on. You can make sure what you’re doing is the best course of action. I am currently in a position where I could lose my health insurance prior to getting better or finding out what caused this to happen. Also, what if this, what ever the hell it is, happens again, but worse?

Aside from financial worries, I am terrified of losing my insurance. I have something called Leiden V, (among other things). I have both strands which is rather rare and causes deep vein thrombosis and pulmonary embolism. Without the meds, things could get dangerous.  Leiden V is most likely why I have had 14 miscarriages, which brings on more emotions. Without insurance, I can’t afford the meds, or to see the doctor. Catch 22.

I have very little skills outside of manual labor that our society values. I wanted to go to school for 20 years, but due to some irrelevant junk, it never happened. I can’t help but think, if I can’t work, maybe I could go back to school to gain some skills that I COULD do. I would love to become a paralegal.

Why be so transparent? Because right now life sucks, and I want my blog to be a place of raw realness that others can relate to both good and bad.

I am so lost and the paths leading to the future are all dark and unmarked. I don’t have any answers to lead me to the right one. One thing I do know? I have battled depression off and on over the years, and while I am embarrassed to admit this, I have needed some help with it and I believe its time to have a discussion with the doctor about getting some help again. Feeling the emotions I am feeling is normal, but I don’t want to sit and fester there, and truth be told, I was feeling some of this prior to this whole WTF moment happening.  It’s time to ask about medication.

It could be worse. I KNOW there are people out there that wish this was their only problems, and while I would love to say that makes me more grateful, it only makes me feel like a bigger ass.

We are still newlyweds. We are supposed to be entangled in each others arms, and all goo-goo with weird romantic crap and instead we are spending our alone time cuddled up in hospital beds.

My husband has been my rock. I’m a mess mentally, emotionally and physically and he has been there for all of it. Not always physically because he is a truck driver, and has a job to do, but he is there to remind me to be positive, cheer me up and encourage me. I am undeserving of his unconditional love and yet completely grateful. I don’t deserve him, but so thankful to call him my husband. I miss him, and can’t wait for him to hug me in those big strong arms and make the world disappear.

No matter how angry I get with God, I will never stop thanking him for my husband or my children.

Until next time…

-Rambling Ceejay

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5 Comments

  1. Mws R says:

    I have been in the same place of worry and doubt with my own life and my spiritual life. But like you, there are blessing we have received no matter what.

    Like

  2. thank you for your raw honesty

    Like

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