Scoop of Jesus, dash of Cymbalta, and a sprinkle of simplicity

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Somethings changing. I have a enough worries to justify feeling stressed, but I am beginning to feel a sense of peace.

The peace feels unsettling. I have been angry for a while, which has affected every aspect of my life. A storm has been brewing within me and while I tried to hold it down, it reared an explosive head I’m not proud of. I feel horrible that my temper eventually got the best of me, and the worst of me came out. I felt like I had to be everything to everybody, except to me. I took their expectations to heart, and when I couldn’t do them all, I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let my family down. I have been living a life dedicated to the to-do list that I not only placed on myself, but by those around me. Problem was, self care for me was no where on that list. I was trying to be everything to everybody and it became a burden crushing my spirit into oblivion, so when this health junk happened, it was ultimately the straw that broke the camels back.

Recently, I’ve been working on getting my butt to church. I sit in the pew crying because I’ve had too much of too much, and look like a giant fool, but I showed up. It’s a start. I’ve been opening my Bible. I am starting to pray more. I went to the doctor for medication that would help me with depression, anxiety, and pain. She prescribed Cymbalta. I realized over the last few weeks, that I don’t have to go to church prepared. I just have to show up and allow God to heal and seal  all those broken pieces with gold. I believe that God can heal my anger, even the junk directed toward HIM.

In Japan, they have a form of art called Kinsugi. It is a practice of taking broken ceramics, and repairing them with epoxy containing silver or gold. It takes something broken, and makes it more precious because of its scars. It’s a visible example of what Jesus does with us. He allows us to be broken, so that he can mold us into something more precious and  beautiful than before.

I am on a path to fixing my health. I am doing a lot of soul-searching. I am working through feelings that have been locked away for YEARS. Baggage that I thought was unpacked, but rather it got lost in the back of the closet. I have pinpointed the areas of our life that I am not happy with. I found boundaries that have been crossed because I allowed it, that need to be reestablished. I have allowed others to treat me in a manner that would have prevented them from even being part of my life in the past. In this journey, I am seeing where my brokenness is. My left side is visibly broken, but the good Lord is healing things the eyes can’t see. I pray that when I come through this, I will be a happier, healthier person.  I pray those around me will find some happiness and peace in the journey as well.

What beauty has come from your brokenness?

Rambling Ceejay

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2 Comments

  1. Dena says:

    I love your heart. I know it’s been so difficult for you, for awhile. And, I know there’s a plan in all of it, but watching and hearing about your struggles has been hard! But, questions and questioning can be a good process, a process that causes pursuit of the living God. I’m so thankful that He draws us back!! Even if He seems to take the hard way, because ultimately He is good. Love you, friend. I know I’ve said this before, but you are stronger than you think, and that strength is what will get you through all this! Many prayers are being lifted on your behalf. Thanks for sharing all your vulnerabilities. I believe you are helping many who are probably struggling through much of the same junk.

    Like

  2. CeeJay says:

    Just as it’s hard to read, it’s hard to put my heart out there and write it. I pray that it blesses the readers, and over time, I will look back and can reflect on where God was through all of this. Sometimes in our struggles we don’t see God till later.

    Liked by 1 person

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