The hard boiled egg and I

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There is a story that boiling water either softens the potato or hardens the egg. Well, I have become the egg. I’ve had my share of hardships over the last 2 years, and somehow I let it harden me into someone I don’t like. I don’t like who I have become. In fact, when I look in the mirror, I hate her. I have shifted my views, bit my tongue, ignored my tribe, unplugged from my faith and essentially became a freaking mouse that I despise every time I look in the mirror. I have failed. I have failed myself, and my children. I hope they grow up to become nothing like me, because I have become someone I wouldn’t like to be friends with. To my tribe- thank you for loving me. We are about to take a walk through some shit.

Deep inside, tucked away are all the beautiful things that made me who I am. Deep down in that yolk is me, the real me, the person I am willing to do ANYTHING to get back, and during this health challenge I am fighting an internal struggle to be once again someone my kids can look up to. This, right here, all of this messy junk, is MY fight song. Its hard, and its going to hurt some people, and piss some people off, and I may lose some people, but I need to fight my way back to being the me that I once was. The me that I loved, and respected. The me that my children looked up to and that my tribe respected. The me that was a light for others when they were in the dark trenches of life.

The unplugging of my faith had a lot to do with this hardening of me. I was so ashamed of the life I was living, and how I was living it, that I unplugged. I was not living a life that would honor God, and so I disconnected. I was ashamed of my sins, my distractions that I didn’t have the courage to face my savior.

I am living a lie. Life is to short to not be happy. I am not happy. Hear me. I am not happy. It is not simply depression, but rather the repression of me, the crossing of boundaries and truth be told fear of whatever.

The me that is tucked inside that hard-boiled shell is beautiful. She is kind. Always willing to lend a helping hand. Goes out of her way for the underdog, unafraid to jump in a trench and get dirty. She is courageous, speaking up for those who don’t have a voice. She loves Jesus more than herself. She is slow to anger, and would never raise a hand or voice to anyone. She has boundaries. She would never let anyone cross her boundaries repeatedly without cutting them from her life. She spoke her peace in a kind and respectful manner. Her thought was, if she told you this hurt her, made her scared or was crossing a boundary, she would forgive you, but if continued she would distance herself and eventually wish you luck with your life but not have you in hers. She had a close tribe that she would do anything for and they would do anything for her. They were the people who knew her. She would never let anyone cross lines with her children. They were her pride and joy, and would she would sacrifice all things for them. Her focus was on her kids, and spent good quality time with them.  Her time was spent interacting with the world, and not distracted by a phone. (Phones are just a portable leash that remove you from interacting with the people in front of you. Don’t get me started, I have come to hate them.) She was patient, and took time to talk and explain to her children the facts of life. She was an amazing mom. She was a minimalist believing that memories were more important than belongings, and did a lot of things to make sure that memories were being made through life’s little adventures. Weekends were for family, not cleaning the house and mowing the lawn. (Sorry, I don’t care what the lawn looks like. When I die, I’m not going to wish I spent more time mowing the lawn or working.)  Due to being a minimalist, the housework was never a chore. When you don’t have a lot of stuff, cleaning is a breeze. She was a hard worker, always trying to work harder than the hardest worker because that was how she was raised. She hated violence, and everything it represented. She was an introvert that always had a book in her hand and an expert at self -care.  She kept her distance from those whose values didn’t match up with hers, because she had learned that the positive traits in those people didn’t outweigh the negative.

I have lived my life according to someone else’s standards for a lot of years. I have also lived my life in fear and walked on eggshells in my past. No matter what, I still was able to find my balance, and I knew the importance of life. I knew the value of myself and my children. My then husband at the time had his own life, doing whatever and we played the image of a photograph well. Then one day, I decided that wasn’t an important piece of my story. My truth, and that I was not going to have a piece of my story be a lie. I woke up.  (There is more to it, but I’m not going to slam someone who isn’t here to defend themselves.) Leaving only made me smile brighter, feel lighter and solidify all the truths that I had known for years. There was pain, and most certainly struggle that happened, and some ugly shower crying, but even on the hard days, I felt gratitude and joy because I was free. I will never regret that decision. (Best $1700 and 90 days I’ve ever spent!)  I am blessed to have the girls through that marriage, but I wish I would have had the courage to end it long before I did. See, I thought being loyal and committed in a bad marriage made me a good wife. It didn’t. I needed to be a good mother, and a good friend to me and say this isn’t the kind of marriage I want my kids to have. I should have been brave enough to say, this isn’t what I want my kids to think marriage is. I regret not walking away sooner. If you ask my kids, they will tell you they never want to get married.

Slowly but surely, I am chipping away at that hard-boiled egg I’ve become. I am spending a lot of time in prayer. I pray the Lord will guide my path. I know the Lord rarely answers prayers according to our expectations, but in His time he will answer. He knows the prayers I don’t speak, and the ones I whisper with courage. He knows my needs and I will follow Him where he leads, even if I have to crawl. I am the child of an amazing God and I am NOT a failure. I will break free from this shell that has hardened around my core.

I apologize for the long rambling tonight.

Have you become softer like the potato or harder like the egg? Remember, through Christ you can do all things, even if they are really, really hard, life changing, hard things.

– Rambling Ceejay

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