You got this!

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Growing up, I worked alongside my grandfather who like Jesus, was a carpenter. (There is debate on this for some, but so not going there.) My grandfather taught me a lot of skills that have been useful throughout my life.

So this week, I am in the process of redoing my living room. It’s a process y’all. Perhaps comical too watching me balance on one foot while using one arm, but hey, I’m trying. In trailers we have wall strips that cover the seams. They are placed about every 3 feet. In order to make our home look less trailer and more updated we are removing the seams. Ugh! Talk about a pain in the…..everything.

I’ve pulled down all the wall strips, and the next step is to put up joint tape and mud. My grandfather taught me well. I know what I’m doing and I’m good at it. That is until my neighbor, who is a carpenter, came along and said my way was wrong and his way was better. He said my way causes bubbles. I lost confidence, worked alongside him and did it his way.

The bubbles. Oh my, the bubbles. The area prior to my “friend” has zero bubbles. The areas we did it his way are FILLED with bubbles. So… I am spending Friday night cutting out hundreds of bubbles, fixing the spackle and cursing him and myself. Why was I so stupid as to listen to him? My way was perfectly fine. I was taught by a master, and yet this man who gets paid to do this stuff knocked my confidence to the floor. New ways don’t always mean better, and perhaps that is part of the issue in our society. We want newer and faster to fit our “I want it now” mentality.

I’ll tell you, I was furious with my husband over this project. I’m half paralyzed and you want me to do what? Are you serious? See, my husband is very blunt, tends to stick his foot in his mouth and at times can be quite the asshole if you poke the bear. I am also a bit sensitive when it comes to him. Most of the time, I can laugh it off and not be wounded, but these days I’m emotional and I take a lot of things wrong. I take things as him being cruel and hurtful. Don’t get me wrong, we can both be butt-heads and these days WE suck at communication. See, I’ve been so angry that in my heart, it trickles into everything.

A while back, when we bought this place, I had these hopes of doing this or that. We happened to see the color I wanted and he jumped. I was angry with the impulse buy, and the amount of work he was “putting on me” and then the cherry on top was a joke he made that didn’t feel like a joke. Had I sat down and had a heart to heart with him, I would have heart his intentions. These are the moments that I love my husband the most. He figured it would give me something to do. A project to make our home beautiful. Something I wanted! Honestly, I felt like he was being a selfish pig, when it really wasn’t intended that way.

This project is moving slow due to me being slow, but even slower because I’m fixing mistakes. I lost faith in my abilities. However, I’m finding myself in prayer. I’m finding myself release anger. I’m grieving the loss of my grandpa. I wish he was working alongside me. When he passed it was hard but I never really grieved and through this project I’m finding myself doing that. It’s been 3 years. I’m putting all my emotions into this project that I was so resentful over. I’m also finding joy, confidence and some peace. It’s been good mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual therapy.

Physically, I am exhausted. I have to be careful working with tools while being on blood thinners. I am mentally & emotionally drained from working through some buried baggage, and a lot of self reflection. I feel the light within sparking. I feel myself drawing closer to God and finally forgiving and letting go of the anger I have. I am learning to lay some things at the cross, and trying really, really hard not to pick them back up. I am reminded daily that God has a plan. Trusting his timing is the hard part.

I am cursing my husband less on this project, but still totally pissed about all the bubbles. I should have listened to the voice in my head telling me “you got this” as I was doing it the neighbors way. I neglected to listen to my intuition. My voice, because someone had more experience. I felt less than.

Today, I am counting my blessings and I am hearing this little voice in my head saying “you got this.” My husband told me this weekend that I was doing a good job. That meant a lot. At the end of the day, my husband had good intentions. I hated PT & OT, so he figured this would help me, and it is doing me some good.

Until next time,

Rambling Ceejay

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