Be still, and listen

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I’m in a season of stillness. I’m watching, and listening to those around me. I’m decluttering my life of things, negativity and people. Things are easy to get rid of. I’m not a materialistic person, and truth be told, I’ve never owned much. I’m a rather simple person and too much just overwhelms me and complicates life. It’s easy to find stillness, when clutter isn’t surrounding you. So, this week, the kids and I are ditching the excess.

During this time, I also sitting and watching. Who wants to spend time with me? Who values conversations and what I have to say? Are they only interested when I’m talking about the kids or do they generally care what I have to say? Do I get their full attention or do they tune into to key words that peak their interest? Do they know what’s on my heart? Do their words match their actions? Are they nothing but drama and negativity? These are pretty selfish questions, but I’ve reached a point in my life that I don’t want the “clutter.”

I’m sitting and watching because I’m allowing people to show me, what level of relationship they want from me. I’m backing down. Frankly, I’m disappointed in what I’m seeing, and it makes me sad. I am thankful I am an introvert because the level of loneliness that comes with expectation is hard. I’m learning to let others lead the relationship/ friendship or whatever you want to call it, and have my boundaries where needed. A funny thing happens when you put a wall of boundaries up people question what’s wrong with you, but not what they did to put it there.

I haven’t seen my family in almost 4 years. I’m about to go home for a day, and I’m nervous and excited. Dealing with the death of my grandpa has been really rough. I think I’m ready, but it’s going to be hard. I wish we could stay for the weekend, but with the husbands job, it’s not possible. It is what it is. It will be an emotional trip all the way around. I miss Minnesota, but not to the point of ever going back. I don’t talk to most of my family often. I guess life just happened and we grew apart.

While we begin the new school year, I sit in stillness, trying to remove the clutter. The clutter of hurt, expectations and excess. You can’t have disappointment if you don’t have expectations. I’ll give 100% where people meet me, but I won’t let boundaries cross anymore. I won’t live to the standards of others. I’ll be happy with me. I’ll do my own thing and things that bring me joy. If people decide to really walk alongside me, I’ll welcome the company, otherwise, I’ll meet you where you’re at and that’s where it will stay. I’m also hoping to remove the clutter of the house this week. Too much excess stuff. Organization is needed. So kiddos and I have made it a goal to fill the trunk each week with our belongings to donate until we find a happy level.

Sitting still…

-Rambling Ceejay

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3 Comments

  1. Dena says:

    I get the loneliness and the feelings that not many people truly want to connect. It’s hard not to have those expectations, though. I also feel like I’m just at a point in my life that I’m busier than I’ve ever been, and not in a bad way, but in ways that are serving my family and the current ages of my kiddos…. Ages 20, 17, 11, and 5. Maintaining good relationships with such wide age ranges takes a lot of time and effort. I also am involved in some great ministries that I’m passionate about and that I feel the Lord has called me to (Mentoring students, teaching Biblical Worldview to teens in a co-op setting for homeschoolers this school year, and co-teaching our 5th & 6th grade Sunday School class at church). So, there are times I NEED my cup filled by dear friends and need a break to decompress from all the busyness of my current life, but other times it’s very difficult to get away, even though I may want to desperately. I say all this to encourage you to see that if it feels like people are rejecting you or not taking time out, it may just be a tough season for them. Not having expectations is probably a good idea… I should probably take that advice as well! And, as you know, phones have become an addiction for so many people… I’m not sure many people even realize how unengaged with real life they really are, but they are the ones missing out on the joy of truly living. We NEED connection with other human beings, and if we don’t get that, we are the ones missing God’s purposes.

    Like

    • CeeJay says:

      I will say this has been the hardest journey of my life, and felt completely abandoned by many during it. Divorce had nothing compared to what I have been through with this, but it is what it is. Human connection? What’s that?

      Like

  2. Dena says:

    And, I will admit, that my phone has, at times, been a distraction for me! I sometimes just have to turn the volume off so that it’s not vying for my attention all the time!

    Like

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