I’m beginning to Hate Christmas.

We will see if you can follow this through. I have a point.

I’m the grinch. I admit it. I hate Christmas with a passion. I hate the materialism of it all. It’s not even Thanksgiving and I’m hearing I’m buying this for this person, and this for that person. F-that. I’m just trying to get food on the table and pay my bills and be happy. I love the lights, and reason and music and decorations, but I hate the GREED. People forget about the spending of time with family and friends and the traditions and JESUS and it’s about whose buying what for who and freaking enough already. I’ve come to absolutely hate the holidays and would rather hibernate through them.

I’ve been disappointed watching people open awesome gifts that I’ve put a lot of thought into, and struggled financially to get because they did so much talking about gifts and I panicked. All while I sit either gift less, watching everyone or have some gift that have little to no thought put into it. I realize it’s better to give than receive but the only people that really say that are the ones who haven’t sat year after year without. Eventually, it made gifts a very touchy subject.

I feel alone. Back home it was different. I would spend time in the kitchen with all the other hens chatting it up and enjoying myself. It was real laughter, and smiles and joy. The holidays make me miss home. I miss rush of cleaning the house, everyone showing up and the hustle of us hens getting work done. Even better was after dinner, the men would get up and clean while us ladies would enjoy relaxing after a delicious meal.

Now, I spend the day slaving over the stove, while everyone enjoys the day, they eat and then the clean up begins. That’s not including the preparation for shopping and the actual shopping. It’s not the same and while change isn’t always bad, it’s just different. Christmas is lonely, and rather than feeling like an active participant, I feel like a bystander in someone else’s holiday.

I love traditions.

I love Christmas music.

I love trimming the trees and making the house festive when everyone puts on the spirit and takes part.

I love driving around looking at lights.

I love building snowmen.

I love hot cocoa and stringing popcorn and watching sappy Christmas movies.

I love snuggles and matching pajamas.

I love sending and receiving Christmas cards.

I love candle light service at church.

I love pictures with Santa even though I’m too freaking old, I still want to be in the picture with the kids. It’s a great family photo.

I love making butter and baking cookies even though I suck at them. It’s fun with the kids.

I love staying up way to late on Christmas Eve and watching a movie in bed while eating a meat and cheese tray with the exotic mustards.

I love waking up way too early on Christmas morning to have a cup of coffee and the kids with excited kids. I enjoy that.

I love that. That is Christmas to me. And the rest of the year, I am thankful for every freaking day I am alive, because life is hard. I’ve been working with my old guru to fix, change and balance my life out to find that positive person I used to be. So far, it’s a lot of bitter honesty, but I would rather he hurt me with the truth than comfort me with a lie. In a season where people should be a little kinder, a bit nicer and slow down a bit more; I feel the exact opposite. It’s become one of the most inconsiderate times of the year. It’s stupid.

Normally, I wait until last minute to begin shopping. This year, I got my husbands gift done. It bugs me that I’m done already because, I have no idea what the kids are getting, because like I said, I NEVER shop until like 2 weeks before Christmas. I’m going to go back to being thankful. I’m just a bit annoyed With Christmas already. A few comments have been made that have been a thorn in my backside, along with my guru being my attention to my priorities, and how they are f-ed up. Now I’m not sure how to fix it all. Can I just skip Christmas? I’ll leave the awesome gift under the tree and go do my own thing… I wish! If I can’t have traditions, and celebrate the actual reason, I don’t want any part of Greedmas.

-Rambling Ceejay

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