Not going quiet.
I’ve been fighting a dark battle for far to long. Part of consideration for shutting the blog down was due to feeling like I needed to censor what I say. I have decided not to shut down the blog. I am not going to censor what I say. This is my spot, these are my words, and this is my space. What I have to say has value to some, and to others not so much, and that is okay. Either way I don’t give a F. I’m sorry. I have spent far to much of my life trying to live life by the rules of others and it made me a very unhappy person and I felt completely unworthy.
Part of the dark battle I have been facing is more than a depression. It has been a healing process of feeling unworthy. It is finding my worth again in a world that tells me I am worthless. Healing sucks. It’s a process that is not always conducive to pure positivity even though it’s what my soul craves. I’ve become a Pandora’s box of secrets and I am not living in a prison of secrets. I DID THAT for 20 years. I am not doing it. So if you want the image of a photograph, you picked the wrong person. I am a realist, and that is exactly how I am going to live my life. I don’t believe in putting a fake facade for the world to see, nor do I believe in perfectionism. In fact, I hate the idea of perfectionism because it doesn’t exist and if you’re perfect then you must be Jesus, and I want to see you walk on water.
Part of my battle has been finding simplicity in a world that overcomplicates everything. People thrive on drama like they breath oxygen. I am an adult. I have to go to work and do my job. Do I love my job? Not always. Some days my job sucks, but I believe in what I do, and that is what matters. My job is important even if the rest of the world looks down on what I do. My job is hard, but its a good job for me. It hurts physically, but I get up and go and I try not to bitch because that is called ADULTING. I go to work to pay the bills, to help support the family that I love. Not only that I like to think my job has a deeper connection because I think of the deeper level of interdependence.
I am thankful for my bills. Each and every bill is a CHOICE that was made. It is heat, a roof, food, a vehicle, gas to get to work, medicine to keep me alive, and things we wanted. My goal for 2019, is to work my ass off to get completely debt free, and eventually tackle some other, much bigger goals that have been on my brain for a while. Some smarter goals. People love to complain about everything but never want to take ownership of the actions that put them in the spot they are in. If you can’t survive on one income, then you shouldn’t be living on one income or you need to do some serious downsizing. You can’t keep up with the two income jones’ if you make half the income. Sorry, you can’t. Also, you shouldn’t be trying to keep up with the jones’. Who the hell are these people anyway and what makes them so great?
Healing takes time and while I had a serious long stretch of pure happiness and thought I was completely “healed,” it turns out that I wasn’t. I was still healing, and some serious baggage was still packed away and some new baggage was being added. I don’t need new baggage. I know my worth. If others can’t see it, I can’t do anything about that. I won’t fight to prove my worth to people anymore. That isn’t part of my healing. Point is, if you have to continually prove your worth to someone in your life, should they really be in your life?
If you are going through some healing, be gentle with yourself. You are worthy. Healing takes some time. You will have moments of joy, happiness, anger, sadness, and for a while you may not feel anything at all. I did. For a bit, I felt nothing. Sometimes, that’s still how I feel- nothing. Give yourself some grace and go through it. Know your worth, and if you don’t begin to find it because you are so worthy, and don’t let anyone tell you that you are not. Healing sucks, and while I am not at the end of this dark tunnel, I am seeing some light. Hang in there. You got this. Somehow, I know it is going to be so much better having people around that know your value than those that don’t. Also, don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to censor your life. It’s yours, live it.
Lots of hugs to those who may also be going through some dark shit.