You love Jesus BUT….

When my life gets wonky, I don’t turn to prayer. I don’t turn to the Bible or my church, in fact I have tried for years to be this perfect Christian, and tried and tried and tried and tried. Guess what? It doesn’t fit. I love Jesus. I’m a huge fan of the J-man. I love God and all of that, but that’s about where things start getting so wonky and I am too old to keep fighting something that just doesn’t fit. I don’t believe in trying to brainwash something into my head to “fit-in,” that isn’t going to fit.

To my core, Buddhism has always fit. It fits like a glove and resonates with my soul. However, most will tell you that Buddhism isn’t a religion, and some will even tell you that Buddhism has made them a better Christian. I can see that honestly.

I can read the Bible, quote the scripture, go to church and do all the things and pretend until I am blue in the face, but something isn’t fitting. I’m trying to fit my size 8 foot into a size 5 glass stiletto and its just not working. I have spent too many years trying to fit into shoes that don’t fit because heaven forbid that I just may be different. I can’t sit here and feel sorry for that either. I just don’t have the faith that Christians have to call myself a christian anymore. When life gets hard, I don’t pray or call on God, I meditate and FEEL God and what He is trying to tell me. I try to live my life based on Buddhist principals because that feels right. It doesn’t feel like I am trying to be a hypocrite like going to church felt, and some of my feelings have to do with some serious church hurt.

Here is what Christians don’t understand. I can love Jesus, but if the shoes are not fitting, they don’t fit. I can’t fit my sausages into something in hopes that I can squeeze through heavens gates without God knowing that I am just over-stuffing my sausages into too small of shoes. Do you think God is that stupid? I mean, come on! I can try and try and try, but if they don’t fit, they don’t fit. Last time I checked Christianity wasn’t an ale-cart option that you get to pick what you like and agree with and leave the rest at the door. It doesn’t work that way. So I can go to church and do the things in hopes of becoming brainwashed and maybe God won’t send me to hell for trying to dupe him, OR I can love Jesus, and be true to what I believe is truth. I’ll take door two please. I ‘m going to live my truth.

The path to self sucks sometimes. We put so much stock into what others think or say that we forget who we are, and what we need and lose our voice. Then one day we choose to speak up and everything changes.

-Rambling Ceejay


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